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You know that cry that pushes into your chest in so hard that your whole body caves around it? The one that makes it hard to breath and oxygen becomes nonexistent. The cry that you hope no one will hear. The cry that smothers your face with tears, and turns into a burning hot color. Yeah, that one. Well I just had it.

Except it was in the shower… where no one would see my burning hot color, or hear my wails.  Where the tears hid within the water dripping down my body.  Where it was okay that oxygen was nonexistent, because H20 was around.  Where the push in my chest felt worthy enough to be there.

No one will read this.

I’m okay with that.

I just needed to get this out, because I have broken.  I have lost.  Life has won, once again.

I know life could be a lot harder, but it certainly isn’t easy.  I don’t know where to go at this point, I don’t want to really go anywhere at this point.  I just want to sleep.  I don’t want to do homework anymore.  I don’t want to have to make up the hundreds of assignments and essays that I have yet to hand in even though my semester is way over.  I don’t want to have to clean my room, even though it’s an annoying mess that spikes my anxiety up a few notches every time I walk in.  I don’t want to go to the hell hole job, even though my bank account depletes every second.  I don’t want to have to worry about my brother who is addicted to drugs, even though I know they’ll send him to rehab.  I don’t want to worry about myself, even though I know it’s not good.  I don’t want to fight anymore, with anybody, even though it still happens and seems like it will always happen.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore, even though it feels never ending.

I just want to sleep.

Is that too much to ask for?

Correction: I may want more.  Yes, I want more.

I want to go to DisneyWorld.  I want to fly with Peter Pan, and sing with Cinderella.  I want to dance with Belle and Beast, and play with Woody and Buzz.  I want to run with Pocahontas, and swim with Arielle.

Yeah, that’s it.  I want to be a kid again.